FIVER EXCLUSIVE: MAN UTD NOT VERY GOOD
Business news, and likely concern at Cho-A Pharm Co Ltd, “one of Korea’s leading pharmaceutical and nutritional and dietary supplements companies”. Their football partner Manchester United have taken their eye off the ball, and are seriously underperforming at the minute. They haven’t won a European trophy for nearly 17 months, or a domestic trophy for the best part of 20. The team are going through a bit of a transitional phase. They’re not playing as well as some other sides. Yes, it’s the biggest crisis in the entire history of English football, and seriously, how are the good folk at Cho-A Pharm Co Ltd supposed to successfully shill 200 product lines to more than 20 territories including China, Lebanon, Mongolia, Vietnam and Yemen with all this going on, when the soccer division are making everyone so profoundly downcast that even tablets won’t help?
But Cho-A Pharm Co Ltd also make power bars, and it’s to be hoped that United’s players discover a box of these quick-release treats before Tuesday’s Big Cup visit of Valencia. Maybe then they’ll haul their voluminous rear ends off the sofa and run about a bit, the lazy gets. United made the fewest sprints of any team in the Premier League last weekend, though to be fair Paul Pogba topped the Opta stats for Meandering Around In The Style Of A Man With A Bit Of A Hangover Popping Down The Shop On Sunday Morning For A Pint Of Milk And 20 Bensons. He recorded two MAITSOAMWABOAHPDTSOSMFAPOMA20B strolls at the London Stadium, one more than proactivity’s Luke Shaw, and two more than Alexis Sánchez who was sat at home with a face on, sulking. So in that sense it’s swings and roundabouts.
They’ll go into this fixture taking succour from their swatting aside of Young Boys on matchday one, and the fact Valencia are currently even lower in La Liga than United are in England, 14th, having won just one of their first seven games. Furthermore, the Spanish side were swatted aside by 10 Juventus players in their opening Big Cup match, and they’ve only ever won once in 10 visits to England (when they absolutely battered Liverpool 1-0 back in 2002). Exactly the sort of opponent United will be pleased to face right now. Then again, folk said that about Brighton, Wolves, Derby and West Ham, too, and look how all that panned out. Best to put in a big order with Cho-A Pharm, just in case; might as well give those pain suppressors another whirl.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I blame the witch-doctor who came to Anfield because he’s the one who put stuff on my goal and said: ‘If you don’t have Jungleman, you’re not going to win again.’ They haven’t” – Bruce Grobbelaar gets his chat on with Donald McRae and, among many other things, comes up with an interesting theory as to why Liverpool have not won the title since 1990.
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It’s David Squires, on José, wifi and Brent.
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FIVER LETTERS
“Another fine mess you’ve got us into (Monday’s Fiver), and this time it’s a false analogy. Crystal Palace strikers Christian Benteke and Jordan Ayew are alternative solo performers, who are never on the pitch simultaneously and can’t possibly interact as a comedy duo like Laurel and Hardy. Their closest counterparts are actually Inspector Jacques Clouseau and Mr Bean” – Tony Thulborn.
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BITS AND BOBS
An orderly queue has formed outside Spurs’ physio room, which means Jan Vertonghen (hamstring-twang), Mousa Dembélé (unspecified knock-knack), Christian Eriksen (stomach-oof!), Dele Alli (hamstring-twang), Serge Aurier (thigh-gah!) and Michel Vorm (knee-knack) are likely to miss the Big Cup clash with Barcelona.
Ynysddu Welfare have had to cobble together an Under-19s team in a blind panic after some top, top paperwork bungling meant their non-existent youth team were drawn to play Briton Ferry in the Welsh Youth Cup. “The first boy who messaged me was from Essex showing me a train timetable to Newport,” yelped club secretary Ben Murphy. “We wanted to keep it local to give boys in the area an opportunity. We know it’s going to be incredibly tough, but we’re not going down there to lose 10-0 or 15-0.”
Kylian Mbappé could surely do a job for them, having been installed as the red-hot favourite to win the Golden Boy gong again.
Jadon Sancho could surely do as well, but he’s just extended his Borussia Dortmund contract to 2022.
Newcastle keeper Martin Dubravka wants to organise a players’ meeting where they can get shouty with each other in the hope it might make them play football better. “We need to analyse everything and be honest with each other. Sometimes a players’ meeting can help the team,” he barked, as St James’ Park listed violently and water started rushing in at the Gallowgate End.
Pep Guardiola reckons struggling in Big Cup’s group stage could help Manchester City in the knockout rounds, where they usually get tossed aside like a pretty but flimsy toy. “Maybe you have to suffer in the group stage to realise and make a step forward,” he blathered.
And if you fancy getting your hands on the number plate of former Queen’s Celtic legend Jinky Johnstone, it’s your lucky day. “This is a very unusual piece of memorabilia and I am sure there are plenty of [Queen’s] Celtic fans out there who would love to own in,” trilled auction bod James Bruce of J777NKY, which could be yours for around £1,000.
STILL WANT MORE?
Julian Nagelsmann has transformed Hoffenheim but his decision to do one to [Crass Energy Drink Advertising Gimmick] Leipzig next summer has had a destabilising effect before facing Manchester City, writes Ben Fisher.
Suzanne Wrack talks to Emma Coolen about her transformation from a “rebellious party girl” into a top-flight footballer in Belgium.
Stick on that song by Dido* and let David Hytner tell you about Mauricio Pochettino and Lionel Messi’s sliding doors moment.
* Don’t stick on that song by Dido, or pretty much any song by Dido.
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